Try as you might

Out with Grumpy on a date. As hard as I try, I cannot deny that I am still in love with him

So this was random

Woke up from my midnight nap to play WOWS with Grumpy. Somehow we ended talking about relationships. I asked him which situation is better. Being in multiple short relationships or very little long relationships. His answer was that it does not matter to him as he felt suicidal when he was in his past relationship.

Then me being me, started asking why am I still with him. Our 'relationship' is longer than average for most of his relationships. He told me because I was crazy... Yeah... I mean not wrong but I was in an 8year relationship with Benjamin so that says a lot. 

The insane thing just came out of my mouth. I asked, "What is 1 pros about dating me?" He replied "You are very caring even though I don't deserve it." 

At that moment I was kinda stunned and happy. It was words of affirmation that he sorta appreciates me and recognised my effort and feelings. 

Few years back he mentioned that he was hard to date. I have seen a long time ago why is that so. The issue now is that I wonder if it's worth it for me to stay. It has been so long that I am actually happy with him. 

I am used to being all sad and mopey. All of me refused to believed it is real. The reality of this relationship has always been negative. I mean I can just run off and find another guy that loves and appreciates me more. The only truth I believed in is that he doesn't love me and he is better on his own. I got no idea why he started tell me that he is in contact with a friend that just opened a law firm. 

I don't care if I am in his will or anything. What I want is his love. Heck I know it is not gonna happen. Odds are I might just run away again. 

Until I can move on, chances are I won't leave him. Looking at the way how Benjamin and I ended, it might not be as bad but who knows. Maybe I'll escape the nightmare and live out my life as a crazy cat lady. It's only a 10year wait.

Now I just got to refresh my brain to start on my silly essay.

XOXO,

Michelle

Today was different

Today was really a good off where I can just sleep like a pig. Grumpy was sweet today as well. Sweeter than usual but not sure it's because I said I missed kissing and hugging him. All I knew is that I was saying it to his face that I needed his affection. 

I swear it had been the most amount of affection he has given me in years. Yet, I felt no emotions... not really but just not the same. There was no passion, no excitement, no happiness. Nothing at all. 

I am sure as hell I am very much in love with the Terence Teo I met. Just not this one. They look, sound and smell the same but the Grumpy I fell in love with doesn't exist. I miss him so much. 

I don't think I can ever put myself into a new relationship without wrecking it somehow. What was left of my heart went into loving him. It was not easy leaving Benjamin. 8years of my life was just gone. Poof. 

Now it is almost 4years with Grumpy. I am too tired and very unwilling to get into another relationship.

I'll just find affection in all sorts of funny places. Anything is better than this. Then again, certain creepy people should be kept away. 

I'll just enjoy whatever affection new TT gives me and fantasise it as being with my Grumpy. Denial at its best. 

Time to nap before school starts.

XOXO,

NSYM