Mid year 2020 update

A lot has happen since the start of 2020.

1. Covid-19

2. About 5 months into therapy 

3. Done with LJMB

4. Soon to be done with school

I guess I'll start with the first one. With the whole Covid-19 situation still being pretty bad, Singapore is having a 'small lockdown'. Tons of e-learning and suspension of work. Finally I get to so much more time to myself but there is the issue of money since I'm 'forced' to be jobless. Compared to the majority of Singaporeans, I am actually enjoying it. I can sleep in and not rush to anywhere. I'm not annoyed by jams or have to deal with unreasonable humans. It's kinda of a fun holiday.

2. Therapy has been going well. Still working on the deeper issues. I never knew I was horrible at labelling my own emotions. It's relatively easy for me to read most humans or at least sense if something is not normal (not the usual self if I know them). Trying to label emotions is just so hard. Being able to understand them is so much harder. On the brightside, there is a lot less crying. Not sure if it is a good thing but I'm getting less affected by Grumpy. For starters, I know my affections for him gets lesser as the days go by. I don't crave for his attention as much nor want it. Probably due to seeing too much of his face during this Covid-19 period.

Before Covid-19 I wanted his attention and affections so bad. Now it has made me realise that I'm done begging for his attention and affection. I even planned things I wanted to do on his birthday and it is definitely not going to be celebrating his birthday. I had my birthday party without him and it was so fun. Screw anniversary since he complete forgot about it. I don't even remember when was the last time we celebrated our anniversary.

I'm proud of myself for coming so far. If healing will be the cause of the downfall of my 'relationship' I'll gladly take it. I no long see him as my boyfriend. More like he is not fit to be my my boyfriend. Currently I see us more of roommates status but a little more than just roommates. I guess we shall see how the rest of 2020 unfolds. 

3. Took me about 3months into 2020 for me to finally cut all means of contact and lingering emotions of Benjamin. I never felt so much more liberated (apart from the Grumpy issue). I finally found out the reason why he loves to blackmail me. He says it is his way of being 'sad' and 'mourning'. It made me realised I was feeling bad about nothing and what I missed and loved about my old relationship was a lie. A 12year lie. I got really mad initially but I realised that he doesn't deserve my time and energy. Guess that Pearl's situation finally set me free. I didn't care anymore if I was considered the toxic girlfriend/ex-girlfriend nor his statement of 'the one I want to marry'.

Guess he took joy at my misery. He refused to admit any of his mistake and if he had any, it was all pointed to me. In his eyes I was the villian that ruined him. I no longer care how he protrays me or say anything stupid (all is rubbish) about me. He wanted to show that he was the perfect boyfriend but at my expense. Now I only look back on the happy parts of the relationship in a 3rd person's pov. It kinds makes growing up fun where you laugh at dorky pictures and point out how things have changed (taste in clothes, dating locations, likes and dislikes).

4. It's almost the end of the 2nd last mod of this diploma. I really can't wait to graduate but I will miss my 2 nasties. Singapore ain't that big and we can always find ways to meet up. 

Try as you might

Out with Grumpy on a date. As hard as I try, I cannot deny that I am still in love with him

So this was random

Woke up from my midnight nap to play WOWS with Grumpy. Somehow we ended talking about relationships. I asked him which situation is better. Being in multiple short relationships or very little long relationships. His answer was that it does not matter to him as he felt suicidal when he was in his past relationship.

Then me being me, started asking why am I still with him. Our 'relationship' is longer than average for most of his relationships. He told me because I was crazy... Yeah... I mean not wrong but I was in an 8year relationship with Benjamin so that says a lot. 

The insane thing just came out of my mouth. I asked, "What is 1 pros about dating me?" He replied "You are very caring even though I don't deserve it." 

At that moment I was kinda stunned and happy. It was words of affirmation that he sorta appreciates me and recognised my effort and feelings. 

Few years back he mentioned that he was hard to date. I have seen a long time ago why is that so. The issue now is that I wonder if it's worth it for me to stay. It has been so long that I am actually happy with him. 

I am used to being all sad and mopey. All of me refused to believed it is real. The reality of this relationship has always been negative. I mean I can just run off and find another guy that loves and appreciates me more. The only truth I believed in is that he doesn't love me and he is better on his own. I got no idea why he started tell me that he is in contact with a friend that just opened a law firm. 

I don't care if I am in his will or anything. What I want is his love. Heck I know it is not gonna happen. Odds are I might just run away again. 

Until I can move on, chances are I won't leave him. Looking at the way how Benjamin and I ended, it might not be as bad but who knows. Maybe I'll escape the nightmare and live out my life as a crazy cat lady. It's only a 10year wait.

Now I just got to refresh my brain to start on my silly essay.

XOXO,

Michelle

Today was different

Today was really a good off where I can just sleep like a pig. Grumpy was sweet today as well. Sweeter than usual but not sure it's because I said I missed kissing and hugging him. All I knew is that I was saying it to his face that I needed his affection. 

I swear it had been the most amount of affection he has given me in years. Yet, I felt no emotions... not really but just not the same. There was no passion, no excitement, no happiness. Nothing at all. 

I am sure as hell I am very much in love with the Terence Teo I met. Just not this one. They look, sound and smell the same but the Grumpy I fell in love with doesn't exist. I miss him so much. 

I don't think I can ever put myself into a new relationship without wrecking it somehow. What was left of my heart went into loving him. It was not easy leaving Benjamin. 8years of my life was just gone. Poof. 

Now it is almost 4years with Grumpy. I am too tired and very unwilling to get into another relationship.

I'll just find affection in all sorts of funny places. Anything is better than this. Then again, certain creepy people should be kept away. 

I'll just enjoy whatever affection new TT gives me and fantasise it as being with my Grumpy. Denial at its best. 

Time to nap before school starts.

XOXO,

NSYM

Now I know why

All the things you made me do. Everything just became a bigger lie. I just so happen to be the toy you wanted back then. You should have told me Day One you won't wait. The thing is I never expext you to wait.

Thanks for being the greatest lie in my life. Thanks for hurting me time and time again. The moment you said I should be with someone that won't hurt me or make me cry, I believed in the greatest lie.

Don't worry. I won't want you ever again. The only thing I want that has anything to do with you, is to forget and everything that came with it. 

Written in Aug or earlier

Side note

I would love to see you in pain. I want to see you suffer. I want you to experience the pain I went through. Most of all, I want to escape this nightmare.

It all my fault

It was my fault that I had to move the fan out of the way.

It is my fault I refused to change my life for you.

It is my fault for loving.

It is my fault for letting myself believe in you.

It's my fault for wanting you.

It is my fault to believe there is a happily ever after with you.

It is my fault for letting you wreck me into pieces.

You need to bitch on your blog post

I thought it would be fun to bitch about someone on this blog like I used to. It's nostalgic okay.

I am a petty person but I don't get too mad or annoyed by it unless you have crossed the line.

SINCE BITCH AIN'T GONNA SEE THIS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT (Even if she does, WHO CARES).

Everyone is entitled to their believes/ideals/preference but don't ever shove it down someone's throat. You got your preference and I got mine.

So bitch if I ain't talking to you I ain't talking to you. So what if you say I have social awareness issues. Not your problem and I do take offence to that. Come on, when someone say no offence. AN OFFENCE IS TAKEN. I choose to be socially oblivious but not as if you know that. Good to know that even I could fool your silly pretencious ass. By the way, I got no idea how you link social awareness to someone being gullible. Please do enlighten me. I really want to know.

If you happen to annoyed or offended by my loudness I am sorry you feel this way. I truely am. I understand I can be too loud and I have trouble controlling that. So what does those 2 have anything to do with you? Cecelia is the most hard working student in class and I feel bad because I do not need to work as hard as her to understand at the same level. I have been in her position before. I know the struggle and pain. It's not easy.
I don't even know how Marsha offended you. Neither do I know how Cecelia offends you. Do the whole class a favour and get off their backs.

My aim was to do well in school. I would love an A but so does everyone else. Thank you Santa. If you want to know why, you gave me a reason to fight even harder. To prove that I am better than you. I know I am but I want my grades to prove it. I never had an issue with you. I admire you. I admire how great you look and how well you spoke. Guess I thought wrong.

Do feel honoured in being in my blog okay :)
Then again no one reads this.

Here is me trying to shove your shit so far up your ass that it comes out from your mouth.

XOXO,
Michelle

It is what it is

Guess the current relationship we have is just making use of each other. I have no idea what uses you get out of me other than my Netflix account which seems kinda stupid comparing the fact that I use you for your house and your disgusting level of smartness.

This whole relationship is just weird. Doesn't matter anyway. We are just not meant to be. 'We' shouldn't have existed. You were never who I thought you were. The 'old' you that I fell in love with was the result of my denial and delusion.

I am comfortable living in this sick and twisted fantasy. Truth to be told, I need to find a new Wonderland. A Wonderland that is no longer demented. A Wonderland without the need to numb. No more denials no more delusion.

NO MORE LIVING WITH THE PAIN
NO MORE YOU

I thought you would be less painful than Benjamin. I have learn how to live without him and hopefully soon enough, I will not only learn how to live without you but also to forget you.

CNY visiting

CNY visiting over the weekends was great. Went to Kai's relative's place for visiting/celebration. Was sick the past few days so being out and all was really good. The house was so pretty and Kai's mum was so sweet and friendly. Gambled a bit but lost quite a bit on the last round since I was the dealer and everyone betted a lot bigger. Good thing I only lost to Pearlyn (not sure if I spelled her name right).

Sunday had change of plans so there was no mad rush. Won quite a bit in gambling (enough to cover Saturday's loses 😅). I cannot believe I have such an adorable and friendly baby niece that is very well behaved. Most of my cousins were kinda like little monsters except some were cuter which makes Janelle an angel.

I am enjoying my month long holiday but at the same time I am getting bored since I am really not used to working all the time. Gonna end this post here since there is nothing much to mention.

XOXO,
Michelle

Emotional Trainwreck

The pain is coming back again. I thought things were going to improve but time and time again I was proven wrong.

You said that you want this to work because I wanted it. Honestly now, I don't know if I want this anymore. Dealing with the pain is not only hard but it is taking it's toll on me.

I have always been afraid to lose you. You always know how to cheer me up when I am down. You are always willing to help me in any ways that you could. You even know me better than myself at times. I don't know what is going wrong because this is all so confusing.

Know that I love you no matter what but maybe I should move on. I know you will do fine without me but I cannot say the same for myself. For that reason, I cannot let you go. I cannot let the strength that is holding me together go.

Thanks for always being there for me even when I am a mess. Thanks for bring me to places that I have dreamt of going. Thanks for loving me once upon a time when I couldn't love myself.

Forever yours,
Slutty

She did what

I finally told my boss that I will be leaving end of January but not everyone. I don't know why but I actually want to leave quietly. The need to get away from the bad crazy to the drama is real bad. The unwanted expectations, negativity and criticism (some are constructive). For constructively criticism, I do hear them but I do need a bit of time to change but since I can be stubborn, I wouldn't change the way I feel or think.

That brings me to a point of being called slow. I have heard this so many times that on certain occasions I do not know why am I so affected by it. I never got it why I cannot do certain things at my own pace. Being 'slow' is one of my shortcoming but making me do things faster is not going to help. If I were to list out the things that I do that is slower than average, you will know why I have been called lazy as well. I could speed up to above average or average but I guess I love things to be perfect and in order which is why do things slowly. Nothing wrong with that because I love being different and weird.

Back to watching Overload and numb my brain 😂 I love to pretend to be blur because it's so fun. Afterall, it is better to have your opponents underestimate you than to think ahead of you.

Be bold
Be fearless
And stay true to yourself

XOXO,
Michelle

Sleep and Sleep

Decided to do an update while Grumpy is lying down in the room for a while so this shall be a quicky.

Another off day spent sleeping. I swear I gave up on not sleeping this much on my off day. 

There is nothing much to update about. I work A LOT. The next 2 weeks I will be spending at least a 105hours. It is so crazy when people thinks my job is easy. Sure I don't have the usual stuff but recently I am handling part admin, logistics and HR. Not forgetting I have to face humans the whole day. I really don't mind the nice ones but I cannot stand the ones that have too many comments and stupid questions. 

If my boss comes down, she comes down. Why do people thinks she reports to me? Like how I know when she will be down *rolls eyes* Since when the bosses reports to their staff? For me PAs and secretaries do not count as I feel like they need to know when and where their bosses are.

Better end this quick before Grumpy comes out.

Stay happy and healthy.

XOXO,

Michelle

It has been a while

Welcome back to the dead blog of Michelle *cues awkward claps* 

It has been so long I have forgotten that this silly blog still exists.

Typing out this post has probably been the longest it has taken me compared to all the other posts. I have no idea what to type since my brain is in a mess. Guess I will just vomit out what comes to my mind first.

2016 overall was great except I had way too many drunken nights mostly because I always let my emotions get the better of me and I let myself ballooned (I WAS SO FAT). Mid 2017 to around September 2018 was just a nightmare. During that period I completely lost myself. I couldn't deal with the accusations, heartbreak and especially with people telling me how I should live my life. It was so bad that I just let the influences of others change the way how I wanted my life to be. The ironic thing is that 3ish years ago I posted that regardless of how big or small the matter is, a person should be able to have control and decide what he/she wants to do with their lives. I was a complete wreck. Not sure if anyone could tell but I was so miserable. Either way I got blamed for a whole bunch of stuff.

Being told by the person that I love that I never done anything for him to love me more just made things worse (this happened in 2017 November). I never recovered from the trauma. The words still haunts me today. Being told I was never good enough/why I can't be better since I was young until now has taken it's toll. 

With 2018 coming to an end really soon, I figured it is time to 'fix' myself. Have the old bubbly and spontaneous Michelle back. I wanted to say crazy but we all know she is has this good fun crazy. The whole 'New Year New You' is just rubbish because if you are not going to change, NOTHING WILL CHANGE.

Always stay true and believe in yourself. Stay happy stay healthy.

XOXO,

Michelle

PS: Will try to blog/post more often (I have been saying this for years but it almost never happens)  

 

Hello 2016 Bye 2015

Hi all. Funny how I decide to blog again.

Yeah I know I do not really blog as often as before nor give like any update at all.
2015 has really been a roller coaster year. Met new people that are now so dear to me.
Did countless of insane shit like getting drunk and getting my heart broken.
Working different jobs I would never expect myself to do.
It made my year amazing so I will not complain. I am not the kind
that can handle a stagnant and mundane routine/life/job at all.

As I grew older, I have lesser expectation in life like no joke. I used to want this
and that but now my new year resolution is like so damn simple.
Simple is good. Anything complicated is never good news unless you can
give me a good example.

For 2016, my aim is
1. Be happy
2. Have fun
3. Earn more money
4. Do well in school

Simple right. Hahaha.

It is still shocking how 1 year has changed me.
Can't wait to see what 2016 has installed for me.
Sadly I became fatter towards the end of 2015 and I do not hope
to be a fatty ass in 2016. Even though I am at my "original" weight.
Well, I love food so being a fatty ass is like a no brainer.

This space might be turning private blog see how I feel about things
It is okay for my close friends to read this or anyone I consider my friend but more
or less I know they won't because I don't tell anyone.

Gonna catch the 7th episode of Star Wars with dupz so I need to sleep and HOPEFULLY
it will be SOON. Not forgetting if I am blessed with time to find Varlin and my overly attached
girlfriend RuiQi for baking but most likely Varlin will not be free. Saded.

My dear stomach, CAN YOU PLEASE DONT MAKE ME FEEL HUNGRY AT LIKE
6:24am. Why am I such a pig.

Wish me all the best for 2016 and I hope 2016 will treat you well.
Maybe I will update soon again. Who knows. PEACE OUT

XOXO
Michelle

I never change

Please refrain from reading the latest blog post from 2013. Haha.

After the nonsense rants, it is almost like I copied and re-wrote it even though it was written almost 1.5years back. I am really such a weird human.

PEACE OUT

Gone for too long

Welcome back to my awesomely dead blog where no one reads this unless you plan to stalk me.

Since I last written a blog lots of things has happened. First of all, I graduated from Polytechnic and gain myself a diploma. A very  piece of expensive paper that shows I am "educated" and "qualified" for what I wish to know.

Second, I finished my E1 Japanese classes. Only waiting for Rin to finish her E1 so we can start on E2 together. I am horrible at languages so I can now only hope for the best and study hard. If anyone wishes to learn Japanese, you can try Hougang Japanese Language School. Fees are really affordable and there will notes and worksheets given to aid you in your learning.

Lastly, I finally turned 21... not sure if it's worth announcing. There is nothing really great about it to be honest. You have to pay your own bills (doing since 2013, what is the difference), settling your own issues like going to which school, courses to take or jobs to apply. One day someone may come up and tell you to go for this or do something that change your life (bungee jumping???). Be it a small or big matter, decide for yourself. It is your life after all, not theirs.

With that being said, live your life without regrets.

Hopefully, I will be back more often to update about my nonsensical life because the person controlling it is 100% guarantee unpredictable.

xoxo,
Michelle

A little too short

So here I am again but for a while since I cant sleep again.
Yes again. So, I'm awake at this timing instead of being asleep.

What will I be doing, none other than watching football/soccer.
Honestly, I do not behave like a girl at time =(
but you can sort of consider me as a girly girly.

Enough of the boring useless content, here are more
information that are more than a 100% uninteresting.

I have finally signed up for my Japanese class which will
start on 8 Oct. Cant wait for it ^.^
In regards to me learning a new language, its weird if you
really REALLY know me.

I'm bad at spelling, be it English or Chinese. Mainly because
I think I'm delyix  (it is spelled as dyslexic, that is how I spell it)
Trust me, I get so frustrated very so often when I need to spell. You
do not see it here as there is something call computer correction (you
know what I mean). I do have other symptoms like my left and right
is rarely right, I can read with words missing or refer to things with the
wrong name.

But the whole point is, do what you love even though its hard.
You only live once and regret is not what you want. I wanted to
learn different languages and I am going to do my best at it.


At this point my brain is quite blank.
OMG. I'm really boring. Please do not expect any pictures
as I wont be uploading today but if you like to see my utter
boring and weird photo, you can follow me at n3rdf0rk on Instagram.

Think that is all I have for today. Hopefully I get to bed soon since I need
to go to school tmr.

Bye and stay happy
xoxo

I am back

So I'm back to blogging but honestly, I doubt this habit will last long.
Loads has happen over the past few months I have not update my blog despite
me saying I will go back to my blogging habit in August. (I'm such a lazy ass)


Having FYP (Final Year Project) now and all I have to say is....... BURDEN.
Yes its a freaking huge burden cause now I working and schooling at the same time.
If I could stop working, I would. I'm not sure if I mention this before but my parents
are divorced, my father is about to declare bankrupt and my mother is going to sell
the house away cause she can't afford to pay the bills.


Despite all these, I actually feel lucky. I have such wonderful people around me
and my part time job pays quite well. It depends on how you see things in life.
I'm known to my boyfriend of being an extremely pessimistic person. I am one
in fact. Just that I do not show it very often.


Enough with the sad part. So this is some of the few things that also happen.
- Addicted to AKB48 (mad love miichan)
- Went to Mint Toy Museum after years of wanting to go
- Dyed my hair
- Made my clean room messy (hopeless me)
- Finally got a picture with Daniel Bennett
- Watched the Addams Family Musical

Now I feel as if I live a humdrum life.


A few pics at the Mint Toy Musemen, Addams Family Musical and SPC Open House

My dearest boyfriend.

The fact that we are almost together for 6 years is very hard for me to believe.

My eyes are gone

Vintage Mickey toys

Miniature Guinness bottles 

SportsCare boys with Warriors FC 

He look so cute *screams*

Taken after the musical =)

MY PRECIOUS!!!!!!!

Uni (Sea Urchin) hands down is my favorite sashimi and also quite pricey. Not many will
love the taste. One of the sashimi that you can tell if its fresh or not by eating it.

Compared to other sashimi like salmon, tuna and squid, the taste really gives it away.


Time for me to hit the hay after reading on bacteria CFU (colony forming unit).


Hugs and Kisses for all =)

3months (16weeks)

It has been almost 3 months I never meet up with my Honey (Janice Tan).

Plus I think miss her too much cause I calculated as 6 months of not meeting her. Even my instagram account also state 6 months because of my bad calculation.

Pretty much it was like the old days where we would go out, shop and eat. 

Since I'm still using my itouch to blog, I cant put any caption *or maybe I am too dumb to know how* 

So that was us in H&M. We only took picture when we were there and God knows why. Here are my favourite pictures for today. The first being the original picture and second will be the edited.

Cant believe how much we grew over the years. Excluding my Benjamin, Freddy and ZY..... pretty much the GSL, she is the only one I really keep in contact with.

Yes I miss Moe and the rest like Cheryl and Si Hui but things are totally different with them. I hate the fact I'm no longer as close with them as before. There are a lot of people I want to hang out with again but doubt will get the chance. Well not exactly a lot of people but the Top 3 people can be considered longest childhood friends I know and were really close to once.

Top 3:

1. Debbie (primary school best friend)

we did hang out even we were in  secondary school but it was really on rare occasions. No doubt about that because we went to different schools.

2 & 3

Constance & Eunice. They are twins. We meet when we are in pre-school I think. I swear it is so long ago I cant even remember the details. The last time we meat when it was after my PSLE and it was at Jack's Place in Parkway Parade. You might be thinking why I never asked them out is because, I never met them for about 7years. Beside it would be way more awkward as compared to my other childhood friends cause we were only in the same school from pre-school to kindergarten. Plus the meet up with them was arranged because our families managed to bumped into each other and our parents exchanged contacts. Yes it sounds horribly confusing but to put it short, we meet up was because of our parents and we were only 12 back then.

Gosh I'm getting so naggy. Thats it for today, do feel free to follow me(n3rdf0rk) on twitter and instagram. It is a 0 (zero) not the letter O

Bye all lovely people. 

ps. Cant believe my internship in ending in 15days and here is me and Janice's OOTD for today :D 

psps.

don't look at my flabby arm. I know I look weird